I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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