can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize