Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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