I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
