First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize