I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
