dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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