I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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