I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
