hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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