Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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