I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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