So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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