my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
