the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
