You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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