You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
