I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
