God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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