I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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