my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
