He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
