see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
