my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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