but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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