She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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