Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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