I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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