I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
