why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
