You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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