i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
