just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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