Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
