I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
