I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
