dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
