i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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