her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
