just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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