I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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