what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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