Screwed.edu
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
