i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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