You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
