reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
