What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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