Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
