id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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