Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
