Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
