There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
