I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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