i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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