Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
